This has been a horrible winter and the longest ever! I am so tired and so exhausted. Paxton has been sick for months. I'm tired of dealing with it. I feel like relief is around the corner and he just gets sick again...and again...and again. When is the end coming? Then, Quinn gets sick too...and me..and Mike.
I think it feels so long because it's been a constant year of something being wrong. Paxton started out being colicky. He has had the worst time teething. Quinn never had this much difficulty so this is our first real experience with teething. Paxton's teeth like to take their time coming in. Quinn's came in all at once and he didn't get his first tooth until 10 months...compared to Paxton's coming at 5 months. Then, Paxton has gotten ear infection after ear infection. Each time we go in the current ear infection is always worse than the last. Our next step is for Paxton to get tubes. We are hoping that the weather will start to take a turn for the better and we won't need to. We are keeping our fingers crossed. Paxton gets cold after cold. Now, he has croup and has had it for weeks. He also has symptoms for RSV. The doctor didn't put him on breathing treatments right away but we went back in and both boys are on breathing treatments now. Thanks goodness!
I know I need to think positively and I try to. I think for the most part I have had a great attitude through the whole thing. It's not like it's Paxton's fault for feeling miserable. I feel for him. I wish I could take it all away and do something that would actually help him. I feel so helpless. Medicine doesn't do much. Paxton doesn't know what he wants. He wants to be held but no he doesn't. He wants to sleep but can't. He does the only thing that he can...cry. He cries and cries and cries.
I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I need it so bad. I'm desperate for it. That's the one thing I can't have. This is worse than having a newborn. At least they nap...even though they wake every couple to few hours. The worst is when I do actually get the opportunity to nap I can't sleep because I'm so exhausted. When I get sleep deprived I go crazy. My emotions are all out of whack. I can't control how I feel...it takes a lot of effort. I'm short tempered. I feel like this is never going to end. I think this is the most sleep deprived I've been.
That's when I really start praying. I plead and beg for help. I'm sobbing through my prayer. Then, I proceed to comfort Paxton the best I can.
Things that comfort Paxton: pacing with him in the stroller, going for a drive (most of the time I'm not in any shape to drive), watching a baby show on Netflix, reading a story, chewing on a stuffed animal, having his blanket near his face, nursing, being rocked, eating, drinking, walking, playing with toys, having his head rubbed, playing with his hair, singing (sometimes), playing peekaboo, etc. Not all of this work at the same time. I usually have to go through the list and just guess.
I'm not complaining here. I just need to put it down. For some reason, writing about it helps. It's like my way of releasing energy.
I will admit that this had been super hard for me. I feel like there is no one there to help me. Everyone has their own trials to deal with and most everyone else has sick kids too. I try to endure the best I can. There are some days I wake and I'm so foggy from the lack of sleep. It's so hard to function. I can't think. Kids are demanding my attention. One morning I went to get some breakfast and through the whole meal I just sobbed. I prayed that someone would come to check on me. I kept looking out the window and no one came. I called my visiting teachers but they didn't answer. The neighbors weren't home. My mom had to work. Mike's parents are in the process of moving. Mike had to work. I just laid my head down on the table and tried to compose myself the best I could.
You know how they say to count your blessings and it helps? Well, that's what I did. It worked. I still felt the same but saw things in a different light. I knew things could be a lot worse. I was appreciative for my trials being what they were and not going through something tragic.
Quinn noticed I was sad and he kept petting my head and giving me hugs to try to cheer me up. It worked. Quinn is the best boy ever. He is so thoughtful and wants to help. Quinn has been so good during this whole thing too. He listens and tries his best to please me. I try to interact with him when I can. I feel bad..I feel like I'm neglecting him.
Mike has been so helpful. Even though he has to work he gets up with them as much as he can but not too much so he can still function the next day at work. He usually takes the first shift. Paxton wakes about 11 and usually won't go back down until 2. Once he falls asleep at 2 I get up with him after that. This isn't every night but a lot of the time. There are some nights he doesn't go to sleep until 5 or 6 AM.
I'm not trying to be negative. This is what my life has been. We are getting through it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want my life back. Mike and I have both commented that we both feel so trapped. We aren't able to do things due to the boys being sick. When it does come we'll be so much more appreciative.
